Thank You, Muderer

"Welcome back to The Bookstore! Would you care to try one of our canvas shopping totes?"

OF COURSE NOT.

Dear Customer,
It has come to my attention that EVERY time you stop by you never fail to request a bag for ONE ITEM. And not just any ONE ITEM, but an item that could too easily fit into your purse/hands/bag/etc... Now why would I even bother to disrupt your shopping experience to tell you this? Oh I don't know...

MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE A SELFISH DOG KICKER WHO LIKES TO PUT PLASTIC IN THE GROUND?

Hey, why not buy a Hummer, spill weedkiller in a river, leave glass bottles on the roadside, and chop down every tree that blocks your view of your neighbor's bedroom?

OH WAIT, YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ALL OF THAT.

Could you honestly be any more selfish? You do realize that every time I ask if you need a bag that in my head I'm thinking, "Say no, say no, SAY NO, SAY NOOOOOOOOO!" and you answer me with, "YES. I MUST HAVE A BAG OR I'LL DIE." (Or something like that...) Then I hatefully throw your stupid book into a bag and thrust it towards you with the most fake smile I can muster. Which is pretty decent considering what retail does to your abilities to be fake. I swear I could out-fake a high school cheerleader.

NEWSFLASH: PLASTIC NEVER GOES AWAY. EVER. IT WILL ONLY BREAK INTO SMALLER PIECES.

Would it kill you to buy a canvas bag? Or reuse your old plastic bags? Or carry the purchase out yourself? OR ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE MORE PLASTIC?

For any of you mush brains that LIKE polluting the planet I hope you feel like dirt (plastic infested dirt) and plant an effing tree after this.

A BIG TREE.

Frankly, I judge you every time you walk into The Bookstore and leave with a plastic bag you didn't need. In fact I brand you in my mind as someone to point out to my friends and family so they'll know what a wasteful slob you are.

AND THEN THEY'LL JUDGE YOU.

AND THEN POINT YOU OUT TO THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

AND THEN THEY'LL JUDGE YOU.

So there, in about the time a squirrel can be called adolescent you'll have a reputation. A bad reputation, and all you had to do to avoid it was kick the lard out of your head and pay attention to the world around you.

Sometimes... I envy you customers. You think so highly of yourselves. It MUST be nice to imagine everything is owed to you. I'm SURE it feels great to care less about anything but your own convenience.

While you mull this over I'm going to go plant some shrubbery to counteract that sapling you ran over the other day.

"Enjoy the weather!" (While you still can...)