Hovercrafts

Me: (Talking to myself...) "Hmmm I think I might actually finish this project on time today."

Wooooooooooshhhhhhhhhh........

(Turns around)

Me: "Ummm can I help you?" (How long has she been standing there?)

Awkward Sally: "HAI CAN U PLZ HALP ME FIND UH BOOK??" (Begins pawing at everything I've worked on.)

And so my dreams of finishing something are decimated... and not by an LOL Cat.

Welcome back to The Bookstore, hey how are you, howdy, hello, and whatnot. Today's subject is HOVERING!

Let's break this down for you so you understand me better. There's two types of hovering. We'll start with...

CLASS 1 HOVERING:

Have you ever been minding your own business when suddenly you get the feeling you're being watched/breathed on and you turn to find someone intently staring over your shoulder? And they linger.........

No?

WELL I HAVE...

You giant creeps come slinking up behind me in random aisles to, so it would seem, get in the way as much as possible.

TODAY, for instance, as I was setting a table with new merchandise, a table nobody EVER notices, a SWARM of people suddenly decided to take interest and began hovering like spaceships around my workspace. I cautiously tried to continue, but some little drooler decided to plant himself right next to my sharp elbow... WHY ME??

To make matters worse I had some annoyingly older woman start pawing at the things I was trying to move. Of course I can't SAY anything to stop her, but that didn't stop my death stare from burning into her soul. Apparently her soul is immune/nonexistent (I prefer to think the latter) because she simply continued her pawing, just pawing away, pawing like she'd never get another chance to paw at anything she had no intention of buying ever again.

Why are you people so interested in something AFTER I start moving it? What instinct is it that decides to possess your mind the second I need to change something?

GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF YOU ANIMAL!!!

Now that I've addressed the first class of hovering I think we need to talk about the second class... the weirder class, and quite frankly the much scarier class.

CLASS 2 HOVERING:

Okay please just stop. To all of you that do this JUST DON'T ANYMORE.

I'm talking about class 2 hovering aka STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOOR WHEN WE'RE CLOSED.

Whether it's before hours or after hours it's still CREEPY. You stand out there peering in at us with your GOOGLY eyes like your presence will somehow magically make The Bookstore open.

NO. WRONG. INCORRECT.

The hours are posted on the door and if you are not there within their parameters I am sorry you are out of luck. (Although I've heard "open sesame" helps?) Stores do not care if your car broke down, if your night job let out early, if your cat mauled your leg on the way out the door and held you up, OR any other reason why you may be late/early. MY LIFE starts when I am NOT WORKING. WOULD YOU REALLY HOLD UP MY LIFE FOR YOUR PURCHASE?

Actually... don't answer that.

Regardless of how I feel you people still HOVER outside the door like bees on flowers, or horses at the gate, or something less majestic than either of those two things. You may NOT come in, so go hover elsewhere and abduct a cow or something!

I hope you understand how it feels to get hovered around now. A simple "Excuse me" with a smile goes a long way with us retail folks, because when you hover over my shoulder and breathe on me...

I kind of want to hit you over my shoulder and break your glasses. (Hey Arnold!)

Now then, I have some more merchandising to do so please find yourself elsewhere, perhaps in the stars!

(And have a wonderful day.)